Think Locally (You can still Fuck Globally)

Another Example Of How What's Local Isn't, Really.


"This time you're more potent. My nostrils burn and flare. Your fire
deposits smear the air so that everything I see is blurred, unclear."




I woke up yesterday to the smell of burning cedar. At first the smell was inviting and I considered that someone close by was having a Saturday BBQ, although I must admit I thought it was a bit early. After about an hour the smell got stronger and I could tell it was the result of more than a BBQ, that there must be a fire somewhere close by.

By eleven a.m. I was gloved and shoveled, ready to work in the gardens, but after a half hour my nostrils were burning. Everything was covered in a haze of smoke that I tried to ignore but finally decided wasn't healthy to be breathing in. I assumed today when I read the newspaper that I'd be informed of the fire's origin. I was.

The smoke didn't come from where I and hundreds of other local residents thought it came from. It wasn't "local" but the result of two southern wildfires on wildfire refuges in North Carolina and Virginia, approximately three hundred miles away.

If the air was too heavy here, to breathe, then it must be nearly impossible for those who live closer to the fires to remain there. I hope everything for them works out. Tonight I've got roses, honeysuckle, rain, ocean, and the sweet vanilla scent of some shrub I don't know the name of gusting bursts of perfume in through the window. It's not me, it's life that's bi-polar.

Toad The Wet Sprocket at The Trocadero in Philadelphia, June 11, 2008. I waited fifteen years for this!

I Can Be Happy

I Can Be Happy

If I say I'm blessed then I presume a god exists who believes I deserve a better life than someone who is less fortunate than I am.

If I say I'm lucky then I deny myself the satisfaction of accomplishment after (and during!) the labor I partake in. So what should I say? I'm glad? I'm touched? It's been difficult but rewarding? Yawn. That I know it can all be gone in an instant? Yes, I know that. But for now maybe I should just say that I am so very happy (as in as happy as I can be, being human with the immense ability to know and to feel the extreme range of emotions we are able to feel).

I don't know why -- maybe because of the surgery and because of how difficult and isolating it was for me -- I thought my life was somehow already decided: that I'd already met all the people I would meet, made all the friends I would make, loved all the people I would love.

Not true.

Although I go silent for two days, or more, although I have no desire to speak, I witness. And when I return I return exhilarated by the unpredictability as well as the familiarity of life.

The people I work with are tremendous. Really. We were like a machine today. A few snags here and there, but we were all tossing the ball -- keeping it up in the air.

I love working where I get a say in what's fair and can look out for my co-workers, not let them get bullied, not allow any one of them to take on too much on their own. There are a lot of good people in the world, still. Did you know that? Oh, our little tempers flare here and there, and yeah yeah yeah we're all in it for ourselves -- I've heard all that too -- but I don't believe it's entirely true. We're not all in it for ourselves. We're all just hoping to have a slice.


When I was younger and didn't know much about the misery in the world that existed beyond my immediate arena I thought "the great thing about happiness (remember? I am so very happy): the happiness pie doesn't run out. It's like Jesus' loaves of bread, his fish and wine. There is an unending supply and no one has to worry they'll be denied." Like I said, I was young and very optimistic. Of course it can run out. It's running out all over the world. But I can be happy here where I am while I look after and am looked after by others. Reaching out and reaching into as many hearts as I can. I can be happy that I can. And am.

Or Like A New Car That's Smooth On Tight Curves

Now to work off the cost.

Like I was saying... I was thinking

that if I couldn't get my violin to sound at least as sweet as Regina Spektor sounds singing, that it wasn't worth playing. And since I wasn't going to quit playing, that meant only one thing: upgrade the instrument. So I did. Now I feel like I was using a phillips head screwdriver (is phillips head trademarked, I wonder? Apostrophe, no apostrophe? Capital P? No capital? Oh well) on a flat one-slatted screw head. I guess what holds true of tools holds true of instruments, as well: that "the right tool makes all of the difference." I actually don't suck. At all. And I finally have a violin that doesn't "play" but sings. It's amazingly responsive to my fingering and my bowing and it's lighter and narrower than my last violin so it's easier for me to navigate and maneuver. I can reach the g-string without contorting my arm (!) and glide to 5th position without a snag. Wow. Not to mention, the sound is gorgeous.

This is why I work.

So I can play.

Gratitude

Gratitude

My co-workers and I were talking about Bipolar Disorder today and I mentioned that I was cyclothymic (the lowest rung on the BP to Schizophrenia ladder). I said something about my doctor telling me I have to make sure I sleep in order to prevent bouts of manic-depressive episodes, otherwise I become mean, and they said "Mean? You? Mean?"

I just wanted to say, that felt very nice.
Although life can be difficult, it can also be very touching.

Oh, and speaking of sleep, as you can see, it's nearly 3 a.m.
Don't worry, I promise I'll be nice. Tomorrow I get to sleep in!

More Spectacular Than Jenna's Wedding

More spectacular than Jenna's wedding:



If you want to get close, get there early.

Overheard last night, to my right, one of three girls:
We should hang with those guys. We should hang with them. Do you think they'll move back here to hang with us?

Her friend:
Move back here to watch Regina? I think you overestimate the power of your beauty...


To my left, girl:
Let's move up. Lets just squeeze through.

To my left, guy with girl:
Naw, I don't think so.

Girl:
C'mon. Look -- that guy just did.

Guy:
That guy's with someone up there already. He just went to get them drinks.

Girl:
So. We could pretend to be with other people, you know, I'll just go up and pretend someone else is my boyfriend.

Guy:
Wow. You've changed.

Girl:
What do you mean? I've changed? How have I changed?

Guy:
Well, you've had one drink and now? You're just nasty.

For entertainment purposes only. Don't think too deeply.